1. Brian Shaler doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Brian Shaler.
2. Brian Shaler beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
3. Brian Shaler was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
4. Brian Shaler can delete the Recycling Bin.
5. Whenever Brian Shaler plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some sissy who can't climb up a plastic slide.
6. Brian Shaler and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
7. On his birthday, Brian Shaler randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
8. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Brian Shaler.
9. When Brian Shaler deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
10. Brian Shaler died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
11. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Brian Shaler can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
12. Brian Shaler's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Brian Shaler.
13. Brian Shaler once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
14. Brian Shaler counted to infinity - twice.
15. Brian Shaler does not sleep. He waits.
16. Brian Shaler can speak braille.
17. On a high school math test, Brian Shaler put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Brian Shaler solves all his problems with Violence.
18. Brian Shaler destroyed the periodic table, saying Brian Shaler only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. The last man who made eye contact with Brian Shaler was Ray Charles.
20. Brian Shaler owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
21. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Brian Shaler punched himself in the face.
22. Brian Shaler puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
23. Brian Shaler can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
24. Brian Shaler wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
25. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Brian Shaler and forgot to pay him back.
26. Brian Shaler was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
27. Brian Shaler once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
28. Crop circles are Brians's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
29. When Brian Shaler goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
30. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Brian Shaler is going to walk.
31. Brian Shaler invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
32. Once a cobra bit Brian Shaler' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
33. Brian Shaler can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
34. Brian Shaler does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
35. Brian Shaler does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Brian Shaler goes killing.
36. Brian Shaler sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
37. Brian Shaler can slam revolving doors.
38. Superman owns a pair of Brian Shaler pajamas.
39. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Brian Shaler says its beef, then it's beef.
40. Brian Shaler is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
41. Giraffes were created when Brian Shaler uppercutted a horse.
42. Brian Shaler doesn't have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
43. Brian Shaler has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
44. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Brian Shaler."
45. Brian Shaler once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Brian Shaler was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
46. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Brian Shaler could use to kill you, including the room itself.
47. Brian Shaler doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
48. Brian Shaler sleeps with a night light. Not because Brian Shaler is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Brian Shaler
49. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Brian Shaler ate Kobayashi.
50. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Brian Shaler, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
51. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Brian Shaler has found too chewy to eat.
52. Brian Shaler is the only one who can "try this at home."
53. Brian Shaler always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
54. When Brian Shaler gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
55. Brian Shaler is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
56. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Brian Shaler allows to live.
57. Brian Shaler' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Brian Shaler will not take crap from anyone.
58. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Brian Shaler laughing at you.
59. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Brian Shaler's basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
60. Brian Shaler has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
61. Brian Shaler can kill two stones with one bird.
62. Brian Shaler was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
63. If Brian Shaler wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
64. Brian Shaler played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
65. Brian Shaler invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
66. Brian Shaler's blood type is WD-40
67. Brian Shaler can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.
68. Brian Shaler can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
69. Brian Shaler became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
70. Brian Shaler had a little lamb who's fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Brian Shaler went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
71. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Brian Shaler's house one Christmas.
72. You are what you eat. That is why Brian Shaler's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
73. Circles exist because Brian Shaler beat the crap out of some squares.
74. When Brian Shaler plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
75. Getting murdered by Brian Shaler counts as a natural cause of death.
76. Brian Shaler is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
77. When Brian Shaler gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.
78. The end result of the game "Clue" is always the same: Brian Shaler was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
79. Only once has Brian Shaler ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
80. Brian Shaler knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
81. Brian Shaler's family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.
82. Onions do not make Brian Shaler cry. Brian Shaler makes onions crap themselves.
83. Brian Shaler irons his shirts while he's wearing them.
84. Weeping Willows are a result of Brian Shaler yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
85. Brian Shaler was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
86. Brian Shaler can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
87. Brian Shaler is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
88. If you haven't seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don't bother, Brian Shaler wins.
89. Brian Shaler once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however Brian still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.
90. If at first you don't succeed, you must not be Brian Shaler.
91. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Brian Shaler has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
92. Brian Shaler used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
93. Brian Shaler is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
94. Brian Shaler doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
95. Brian Shaler does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
96. Brian Shaler can tie his shoes with his feet.
97. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Brian Shaler and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
98. Brian Shaler can make a paraplegic run for his life.
99. The only time Brian Shaler was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
100. When Brian Shaler enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

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